Further news from the A.N. Wilson column in The Daily Telegraph

Hi! WELCOME to Web site number 11, the only true source of news. Do not believe the stories, invented by Our Leader’s enemies, and printed in the so-called newspapers. The ridiculous claim has been made that the Dublin-Belfast train was subject to an arson attack at Newry to days ago. Click your Ireland icon for the true version.

The Settlement train is going full steam ahead. Irish men and women of all shades of opinion have come together around the negotiating table with Our Leader. He is in absolute control, as is Mo Mowlam. All other stories about discontent in Ireland are, frankly, wicked lies, put about to discredit Our Leader.

And now, to business! You have probably all read the happy story of Joan Rowling, the Lone Mum from Edinburgh, who has written a story for kids called Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. She was almost penniless. She was in a bedsit with her baby. (And Our Leader, you know, understands what it’s like to be uncomfortable in Edinburgh – he went to public school there at Fettes.)

Joanne, 31, was so tired, she sometimes fell asleep over her exercise books; but she pressed on, she finished her story, and now she’s sold it to an American publisher for £100.000! Quite frankly, under the Tories, single mums could not hope to get more than £1,000 for one of their kids’ stories. Most of them were still stuck in the old dependency culture, and were hardly able to write stories at all. That is why Our Leader has stressed from the beginning the importance of learning to read and write. You remember? "Education, education, education!"

This week, together with David Blunkett (not forgetting David’s dog!), Harriet, Frank, and Gordon, Our leader has unfurled an exciting new plan to get Single Mums off benefit; off our backs, frankly. The plan is called Why Mums Can and Must do better.

Point one. Gordon’s Budget, the most exciting Budget since time began, as a matter of fact, released so much money through windfall taxes that it is now possible to train 50,000 new literary agents every year. That’s an increase of more than 500% over the previous Government’s targets. Meanwhile, Frank and Harriet have issued a three-point ultimatum to the Mums. 1) They must all start to write short stories, pronto. 2) Benefit will stop after four months. 3) After that, they either sell their kids’ books to America or, frankly, they’re on their own.

This is a whole new industry for this country – an opportunity offered to Mums by Our Leader if only they will take it up. There is a fourth option. And this is where David comes in with his dog. Remember? Education? Education, what was it? That’s right Education, education, education.

David has told the schools that Our Leader has targeted that they have two options – get better or get lost. We have a zero tolerance of failure. It is Our Leader’s wish that every kid in Britain should be a) computer-friendly, and b) a qualified hairdresser.

We all belong to the real world. We all know that some of the girls in today’s schools are going to end up as single mums – just like Joanne Rowling. We reckon that 100,000 of those each year, allowing for a growth rate of three per cent, will be selling their stories to America by 2005 – lifting a massive £15.5 billion – yes billion – off Gordon’s shoulders. But that still leaves the Mums who haven’t managed to hire a sufficiently posh literary agent, or even those who can’t write.

That’s where hairdressing comes in. We all need hairdressers several times a day. A lot of sniggering stories have been filling the papers about Our Leader’s wife, Cherie, because she paid £2,000 to have her hairdresser flown to America with her. Some of the papers even had silly headlines like "£2,000 for a Blow-dry". Have those journalists no brains at all? Have they not translated what that would mean in real terms to the economy, if every one of the Lone Mums who’d failed to take up the Government’s offer of becoming kids’ storywriters, were instead earning £2,000 for short trips to America?

Think of the money they’d earn, these Lone Mums, if they were only empowered! That's why, from next week, David Blunkett, as well as Secretary of State for Education and Employment, is also to be called Secretary for hairdressing. Now, all aboard for our strike-free flight to Heaven. Here comes Thomas the Settlement Train. Up, up and away!